Previously:
I hung up from Zaid, and answered Aziz's call immediately.
Basma: 3ziz, wenk?!
-: 3fwn e5ti ana mo 3ziz, enti e5ta?
Basma: la2, ana 56ebta, leeh?
-: ana mt2asef eni m9'6ar agolk ha4a el5br 3la eltelephone bes 56ebk twafa b7adeth syara.
-
The sky could be falling on my head, and I wouldn't have noticed. The pain that I was going through could not compete with anything I've ever felt before. People would think I cried more tears than the Niel river, but I didn't shed even the smallest of tears. I don't think the pain I was going through could be cried because of.
It was so deep into my soul, my heart, that I was numb. For three days, my vibrant smile that was tattooed to my face ever since you came back faded slowly and painfully. My dancing heart is now a punching bag for the blood that runs through my veins.
"Basma, t3ali 3'ada!"
I shook my head at Lama's 50th failed attempt at trying to make me eat. I gave her the best smile I could muster up, which was more of a grimace.
~
Day after day passed and slowly I took hold of my life again, and the most unexpected things happened. I was still going through the pain of losing him so, I did what I know how to do best; I wrote all my feelings into the little notebook I've kept since summer '08 when I met him. Even though I was getting way better at this, and the pain of his loss had turned into a dull ache. I still had no idea how I was supposed to go on with my life, and if what I was doing was right or not. It's 2014 now, almost 2015, which means it's been 4 years since his passing.
و من بعده مرّت الايّام و كأنما أصابها شللٌ .. مرّت و كأنها تبدو واقفةً في نظر عيني .. عيني التي لم يسكنها غيره .. وقتُها، آمنت انّ القَدر يفوق الامنيات .. ويفوق الأراء .. يفوق جميع ما تسلقنا سلالم السماء لأجله .. فقدته فكانت القاضية .. جزعتُ حتى أيقنت انّ فقده لا يعزّيه شيء ..فكبرت و كبر ذلك الجرح معي .. فكان يغازلني بأن ّ لي بسمةً تشفي ما بداخله .. و لكن من بعده لم يعد لي من اسمي نصيب .. مشى تياّر الحياة .. أخذني معه يمنةً و يسرة .. رفعني لأجد نفسي متعلقة في غيمة الفرح .. نسيت ما مضى .. ربما لا ، ولكني شاركت فرحي مع غيره .. و كتبني الله لغيره .. ألا ليت لي ضمير يهدأ فأعيش بسلام ! .. فيا ليت و يا ليت يصيبني فرحٌ بلا آلام .. أخبرني بأنها ليست خيانة .. أخبرني بأنك بسلامٍ و أمان.. ليت للزمان قلب ، فلا يقسى .. ليت له مشاعر فيعيدك لي يا "بسمتي" ..أجزمت بأن الوقت يداوي ما اصاب البشر من داء .. ولكن ليس كل شي في شرع الحب مستجاب ..
So to make things clearer for you all, I'll take you back with me to 2013. 2 years after Abdulaziz's death, allah yr7ma w y3'frla, someone proposed to me. At first, I got angry at my mother for even suggesting that to me. then I realized that she wanted what any mother would want for her kid, a happy life. So I didn't say no directly even though everything in me was screaming no; I believed I had to do it for my mother and father's sake. I told my mother I'd give whoever it is a chance since it's been two years since Aziz, but I wanted to know who it was first.
Mom: Esma 3bdullah Alflani, mt5rj masters gbl snten w 9arla 4 snen ysht3'l bshareka w ysht3'l part-time m3 oboh.
Somehow, his name sounds so familiar. Where did I hear it?
#Flashback:
Aziz: glbi, jaa 3bdullah al7in b9k w arj3 adg 3lek awl ma no9l, ok?
Basma: mrat ashek enk m56ob l3bdullah mo lya!
Aziz: m7d ya54 mkank bglbi lw b3d 50 sna!
Basma: 6yyb nshof klamk ha4a hwa nfsa b3d 50 sna wla la2! Elmohim ya 7bebe entbh 3la nfsik w ent tsog.
Aziz: enshallah, a7bk!
I could hear a few cat whistles in the background and I turned as the dress I was wearing.
Abdullah: allah 3lek ya Basma wsh sweti bwldna! Ar6n 3leh mn elyom elbokra w ma yrkz ela lw glna esmk!
I laughed.
Basma: sa7erta!
Abdullah: shklk walla!
Aziz: ok! Enough t7shon feni yali ma tst7on! b3den hey 3boud ma tst7i t7aki 56ebte ki4a gdami?
Abdullah: wsh 7arg rzk ent? Basma 9degti, b3den tra ana a7la w a3'na w a4ka mnk y3ny lw mo klamk el7lo kan hey jayytni w tarketik!
Aziz: al7in 9dg bmn3kom mn b39'.
I laughed and hung up.
#End of flashback.
What the hell? How did he even have the decency to come propose to me even though he knew how much I was, I mean am in love with his best friend. Basma, you have to snap out of it you already said yes to seeing him. You can ask him why then. I comforted myself with that idea, until it was time.
I dressed in a wool grey dress that stopped right below my knees, black tights and ankle boots. I went down the stairs with every intention to fight this guy on his stupid move. How could he do this to his bestfriend? How could he just ignore everything they've been through, and just pretend like I was one minute away from marrying his bestfriend.
I inhaled and exhaled probably more than I ever did my whole life. I went over what I was going to say to him over and over again in my head.
I went into the room quietly, and sat next to my dad. He talked to us both briefly, and then left the room I managed to smile politely through out the conversation even though I was fuming from the inside. The minute I was sure my dad could not hear us anymore, I turned quickly at him and gave him a death glare.
Basma: what in hell are you doing here?
Abdullah: Basma.. Ana lazm ashr7lk w9'3i!
I was about to burst out at him, but I stopped myself when I saw the honest pleading look on his face.
Basma: I'm listening.
Abdullah: gbl 4 snawat, gbl ma 3bdul3ziz allah yr7ma yro7 Australia byom, gali klma w ana w3dta eni bswela ha4a elshy w ana gd klmti. 6lb mni eni ahtm fek, w antbh 3lek.
Basma: 3bdullah, ha4a zwaj mo mokalama bltelephone w ts2alne shlonik. Ha4i 7yat! B3den ttw83 3ziz byr9'a?
Abdullah: ee!
Basma: kef momkin ttjra2 tgol ena bywafg?
Abdullah: 3bdul3ziz 9degti mn yom enna 93'ar w hwa y7bk akthr mn ma y7b nfsa, w ana mt2kd ena m7a yr9'a enk tg3den 6ol 3omrch kitha bdon zwaj wla tkmlen 7yatik! Ana 9ra7a mst5eer w mrta7 lHa4a elzwaj wlbagi 3lek!
Basma: ma a9dg! Y3ny wsho ma tbi ttzwj w7da t7bha? Mst3d ttzwj w7da w ent dari enha t7b 3'erk?
Abdullah: ana mo jay hena al3b ya Basma. I'm 100% serious!
~
I sat around the house distracted for days. I had no idea what was I supposed to do, I know that I can't put my life on hold just because I lost someone close to my heart, more like he was my heart, but that's how life is.
Everything in me was urging me to push the whole idea of marriage away, if it wasn't Abdulaziz then it shouldn't be anyone; but a nagging voice in my head had other thoughts. What the hell? Why was I even considering it? Because you deserve to be happy. A little voice in my head was screaming. I don't think I can ever be happy again, but what would it harm if I tried?
So I went with my instincts w b3d ma est5rt I approved, everyone was happy for me including Abdulaziz's mother even though deep down I could sense her sadness that it wasn't her soon so I went over to their house, so I could talk to her.
I sat down on the living room's couch, and started fiddling with my solitaire diamond ring and wedding band. Even though I was never truly married to him, I never took of those rings. They somehow made me feel more connected to him, and safer. His mother came into the room and gave me a radiant smile.
(I have no idea what I named his mother so we'll just stick to Fatima, ok?:$)
Fatima: Basma 7bbty!
Basma: ahlen 5alti!
I stood up and kissed both her cheeks and the crown of her head as if she was my own mother-in-law.
Fatima: ahlen ya glbi, shlonk?
Basma: el7amdelila, 5alti enti kefk?
Fatima: walla ana kwysa, t3rfen lahya m3 el7fed eljded w kitha.
Basma: ee ya 7lwa mashallah!
At that same minute a tiny pair of chubby feet stomped into the living room with Manal (Remember her? The girl Basma thought was engaged to Aziz but turned out to be engaged to his brother) holding him by him tiny hands. I immediately felt my eyes getting flooded with tears whenever I saw that little boy, seeing him always made me so happy and I think part of that reason is because he looks so much like his uncle.
Basma: 3zoze! 7bebi! Come hug Aunty Basma!
I crouched on my knees and spread my arms wide open while waiting for the feeling of his tiny chubby arms hugging me. I carried him the minute he reached my arms, and stood up. I kissed Manal's cheeks while still holding her soon, and caught up with her quickly.
After an hour or two of just catching up with 5alti Fatima, and Manal I decided to just cut to the chase.
Basma: 5alti 9ra7a ana jet hena 3shan a7akek bshay.
Manal: ana b6l3 fog a3'yr el3zoze w anwma.
Basma: Manal 3adi lw g3dti tra manti 3'reba.
Manal: adri ya glbi, bes lsa ana agdr a3rf b3den.
5alti Fatima smiled gently and proudly at her daughter-in-law and her grandson.
Fatima: yazenha hlbnt walla.
Basma: ee walla t'hbl mashallah.
Fatima: smi 7bebti, wsh b3'eti tgolen?
Basma: 5alti 9ra7a mdri shlon abda..
Fatima: tben nnt9'r 3lia?
Basma: la la 3lia t3rf, bes ana 9ra7a ma b3'et akmel elmw9'o3 ela w ana mstshertik w ma54ah mowaf8tik.
Fatima: tgdmlk wa7d?
I was shocked, how did she know? I didn't bother to reply with words since I knew I was most likely going to break down, so I simply nodded.
Fatima: shofi ya bnti, enti twk 93'era 3omrk 21 sana, w gdamk 7yat kamla ma ynf3 t5len shy ywgf b6regik. Adri enk knti t7ben 3bdul3ziz, w klyom yakil glbi elnadam eni knt raf9'ah fekrt zwajkom bes eli 9ar 9ar wla agdr a3'yr elma9'i bes mosta7eel ar9'a eni akon sbab mn asbab t3astik bl7yat. Enti bnt 93'era gdamha el7yat klha, ma tdren ymkn elwld ha4a rbi katblk s3ada m3ah akbr mn eli 3shteha m3 3ziz w 7ob agwa mn 7obk el3bdul3ziz.
She took my left hand into both of hers, and looked at me with a proud motherly smile when she saw the rings.
Fatima: Basma, ana a7bk zy ma a7b 3lia, w Manal. Enti blnesba ly bnti eli ma wldt'ha, wgftik m3i fl9'rof eli mret feha ma kant glela, m3 eni darya enk knti t7sen bNfs kmyat elalm. Rbi ktb el3bdul3ziz wfat'h bhl3omr w allah y3w9'h shbabah bljannah bes agdr agolk w bkl wthog wldi mosta7eel yr9'alk enk twgfeen 7yatik 3shanah mthl ma ana mt2kda million blmeya enik mosta7eel tr9'en ena ywfg 7yat'h 3shank, est5eeri ya bnti w e4a mrta7a llwld fa ana awl w7da bwgf jmbk w bzfk 3ros enshallah.
This time the tears that flooded my eyes were tears of happiness and comfort, tears of relief that this woman who's words were about to make or break my world was so supportive of me getting my life back. 5alti Fatima's words washed away every ounce of doubt I had, and most of the guilt I felt.
Basma: 5alti, fe shy thani eli mtgdm ly hwa 9deg 3bdul3ziz, allah yr7ma, 3bdullah.
Fatima: rbi ms5r el3bdul3ziz allah yr7ma akthr nas awfya2 lh, 7ta w hwa mtwfi. 3bdullah jana gbl ma ytgdmlk yst24na.
I felt my heart warm at the thought that he kept Abdulaziz's family's emotions in mind.
~
It's been exactly a year since Abdullah purposed, my life has been on a roller coaster ever since with lots of happy moments and a lot of sad ones too. As the ending of the year 2013 approached, Zaid and Lama's wedding date came closer, they too had to suffer through out their relationship but they got their happy ending eventually. It was a magical wedding, everything Lama ever dreamed of. She looked like an princess in a fairytale that day and I can't ever forget the image of her standing in that beautiful white gown with my brother smiling shyly right by here side. They couldn't take their eyes off each other that day, and I felt my heart flutter from happiness that they were finally this happy. I knew that throwing a huge wedding like that one wasn't easy for Lama, and it took a lot of convincing especially form my side since I was the main reason she didn't want such an attention grabbing wedding, my father's condition was a huge reason, too! But he insisted as hard as I did that what he's going through shouldn't be a reason for them not to celebrate.
At the start of this year, 2014, my father has lost his battle with cancer and passed away. I wasn't as sad as everyone expected me to be, because I felt content that he isn't suffering anymore and that he got to see us all happy. My mother was slowly getting over her depression with my guidance, since I not so long ago suffered from the same unbearable sadness.
It was mid-may and the sun was blazing, and I decided that day to sit on the lounge chairs next to the pool in a light summer dress. I was absorbed into my book so much that I didn't even realize that their was someone staring at me until I was covered by their shadow. I turned around and put my hand over my shades to illuminate the harsh sunlight and figure out who the person was even though deep down I know who. I gave him a small smile, and scooted more to the right so he could find a place to sit.
Basma: ent jals tst3'l eni l7ali blbet too much!
I joked while smirking at my fiancé.
Abdullah: elshy6an jals ywswsly w ygoli aji anam 3ndk elLela since ma bga ela ebso3 w yrj3on omik w Zaid w Lama.
I gave him a pretend shocked look at his honesty.
Basma: pervert!
I pretended to be disgusted and tried to run away from him, but he caught up way too fast. And started tickling my sides, and I started laughing uncontrollably which made me so weak in the knees that I fell to the grass and brought Abdullah down with me.
He continued to tickle me mercilessly, and I had no idea how to make him stop. So I started begging him while laughing.
Basma: 3bdullah lw sm7t! Pleaaaaaase!
I felt him stopping slowly but still keeping his hands on my sides so he could start again any moment, but he looked into my eyes and suddenly everything was forgotten. It's been a couple of months since mlktna, and we haven't yet kissed and I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious to how it felt like, especially since I've never been kissed. I was lost in trance, and the longer we looked into each other's eyes the stronger I felt the pull. In that moment, I knew. I knew that I was in love with him, and what shocked me the most wasn't this discovery, it was that the love I felt for him is so strong and true that I believe I have never loved anyone, not even Abdulaziz, in that way.
My eyes fluttered shut at their own accord once our lips touched, it wasn't a heated passionate kiss that you'd read about in romance novel or see in a movie, it was merely a brush of our lips but it meant more to me than anything else, and it made me realise that he was the one I'm meant to be with.
xo
The End.
